I’m actually really, really sad. Since Friday, I’ve been off the plan. I had a brain fart and it all went downhill. I have vacation in 3 weeks, and a wedding in 7 (for which I’ve already bought a smaller dress size). Apart from that, my 190 goal just looms and looms. I lost all my willpower. The weird thing is I didn’t binge eat terrible foods or anything like that. In fact, I haven’t felt much like eating. It’s just been a little bit of this and that, which is very different from my usual off-diet heart attack/diabetes track. Just no willpower whatsoever. Tomorrow is another day. I’m really going to try. I could use some encouragement.
After almost two weeks of breaking down my body with carbs, sugars, and many things I won’t mention, I started my third Whole30 yesterday.
I know that must sound very diet-righteous, and you already know I’m sick of the the diet police. Here’s why I refer to eating less healthy foods as breaking down my body:
In the last 2 weeks, I’ve felt my body deteriorate. Even though I’ve only gained about 2 pounds, there’s no more clear/glowing skin, I look and feel more bulky, I’m constipated and gassy (I’ve had a lot of dairy), I’m pretty much constantly bloated, I’m tired all the time – I wake up tired and I find it more difficult to fall asleep, I’m waking up much later, sugar cravings, mid-afternoon snack cravings, need caffeine for energy.
The good news is all is not lost. My knowledge on food, etc isn’t gone and I’m back on the struggle/journey. I’m trying to listen to my body again, and to eat just enough to get to the next meal. Sometimes this whole thing is so draining, honestly.
Still on the good news, today’s frittata was so delicious (beef, green peppers, mushrooms, onions, curry, thyme). I also worked out today and sorted out the drama with the trainer. I may not have written about that. Well it’s done anyway. AND I signed up at the gym at work. Eek!
I don’t know what to do about it. I’m eating carbs. They make me feel terrible. Heartburn, bloating, constipation, all of it. But I enjoy bread. Especially if it has a nationality or a region attached to it. Like French. Or Agege. Obviously I have no access to agege bread; I’m just being silly.
I was supposed to start another Whole30 past Monday, but it hasn’t worked out. I overdid it on my actual break (chicken and waffles, nutella crepe, hazelnut gelato, delicious wine, double bourbon and ginger ales, tequila shots, my life was actually bloody fun last weekend), and now I just can’t get past it.
Now that I’m back to thinking with my head instead of my stomach, I’ve decided to start again on Sunday. This gives me just about 30 days before my next vacation. Also, I tried on a bridesmaids dress today, and it was just about half an inch too small, so I’m ordering it anyway instead of ordering a size up. The wedding is on October 4, so I need to lose half an inch before then! Oh, dear.
The magic number is 195.6. The good news is I haven’t gained weight.
I almost cried this morning. Usually I weigh myself multiple times because the floor in my apartment is uneven. First, the scale said 195.6, then it said 194.4, then it said 190.4. I was so disoriented. When I got to work, I went to the gym and the scale there said 198!!! It’s one of those scales that you step on and then move the bars until the middle bar finds balance, and I don’t usually trust those, but that was my tipping point. I was sad until afternoon, and I was sad to eat but I did anyway. After work, I went to my gym and the analog “professional” scale there said 191. I told the trainer to check it 3 times because I thought that was crazy. Although my mood was significantly improved, I wasn’t convinced. I think I would have “felt” 191. On a different note, today’s workout really tired me out. Not sure why. I don’t think it was more difficult than yesterday’s.
When I got home, I found several flat surfaces and the most prevalent weight was 195.6 (other variations were 195.4 and 196), so I’m calling this my weight. The good news is I haven’t gained weight. I don’t feel terrible, perhaps because I spent most of the day feeling quite awful. I lost 3/4 – 1 inch all around. I was surprised that I lost anything in my waist. My body fat loves to hang around there and show itself off.
Day 30!!!!!! I’m so nervous about my weigh-in tomorrow. Given how the last 30 days went, I think I’ll be happy if I weigh in at 193 pounds. At 194 I’ll feel ok, but slightly bad. I don’t think I can do any better than that. Ugh. I’ll update you guys tomorrow. I feel like I have a test or job interview and I’m as prepared as I’m going to be but I already know it’s not enough. Since I can’t pray the weight away, I think I’ll just talk about what I ate today.
Breakfast: “Cereal” (chopped hazelnuts and pecans, unsweetened dried apples, unsweetened coconut shreds), banana, almond milk, fruit salad (diced mango, peach, strawberry, papaya). The fruit salad was delicious, but I find that I’m not crazy about fruit. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make fruits less sweet? I just wasn’t feeling it.
Lunch: “Pasta bar” without the pasta or sauce. I guess I could just call it chicken stir fry.
Dinner: Half avocado, plantain porridge. This plantain porridge is amazing. The grocery store only had semi-unripe plantains so I was a little nervous about the starch content but it turned out fine. It’s a tiny little bit sweet, but I don’t mind it. Here’s the recipe I used, and here’s how it came out. I didn’t use any MSG cubes and I added chopped spinach, but otherwise I think I followed it more or less exactly. Aren’t you super excited? When last did I post a picture?
Meanwhile, I went to the gym today, and the trainer scolded me and told me “we have to have a talk” the next time I come in. Yeah, ok. This time last week I was on my way home from work (9:55pm). He doesn’t understand quarter end. I really put my all into it today, though. I had a good time. How weird.
Quarter end at work is finally over, and I feel sane again. And in this period of sanity I’ve been subconsciously reflecting. It’s day 28 and I’ve realized that in this round of the Whole30, I haven’t had any sugar cravings. I really miss wine and bourbon and cocktails (and tipsy conversations, to be honest), but no insane thoughts about chocolate and ice cream and bread like last time. My friend was hiding her cookies and San Pellegrino soda from me last night, but I had zero desire for them. I realized that despite the mess I’ve made and the lack of intentional nutrition I’ve put into this Whole30, I’m still reaping the benefits of cutting out starch, added sugars, dairy, legumes and alcohol.
That made me think to dig up this list to highlight all the benefits I think I’ve got from the Whole30 so far. Also, with this new clarity of mind, I’m not looking forward to ending the Whole30 as much as I was before, because I’ve found amazing new recipes I’d like to try. But I figure not being on the Whole30 doesn’t mean not eating delicious, good-for-me food. It just also gives me the opportunity to go out and enjoy some spontaneous dining – guilt free, and without reading the entire menu and planning all my substitutions beforehand. I like this new freedom. Part of this freedom also includes no cashews until I think I can stop using it as an emotional crutch.
Here’s my list:
Physical (outside): Clearer skin, longer stronger nails, leaner appearance, clothes fitting better, less bloating, glowing skin.
Physical (inside): Fewer PMS symptoms, less constipation, less gas, less bloating, improved “regularity”, no more acid reflux, no more heartburn, no more chronic fatigue, (haven’t rechecked my blood pressure/cholesterol numbers).
Mood, emotion, psychology: I’m generally happier, no more sugar cravings, no more carb cravings, improved body image, improved self esteem improved confidence.
Brain function: Uhhhhh….. how do I know if I’ve experienced better brain function????
Sleep: I fall asleep more easily, I sleep more soundly, I no longer need an alarm clock to wake up (seriously, I woke up between 6:12 and 6:17 every day this week).
Energy: No more mid-day slump, more energy to socialize, no longer need to eat every 3 hours, I can go longer between meals and still feel ok, no longer need sugar or caffeine to prop up my energy.
Sport, exercise and play: I have the confidence to try something new (and my body yearns more for exercise).
Food: I have a healthier relationship with food, I practice mindful eating (with the exception of the cashews haha), I know which foods make me more healthy or less healthy, I’ve learnt to listen to my body, I’ve learnt to eat to satiety, I’m no longer afraid of dietary fat, I’m no longer a slave to sugar and carbs, I know when I’m hungry and when I’m just craving, I have fewer cravings, food no longer has unwanted “side effects”. I don’t think I’m satisfactorily accomplished in this category.
Lifestyle and social: I’m more knowledgeable about nutrition, I have new cooking skills. This category is a bit silly. Having like-minded friends who support my eating style is not an achievement (although I suppose it can be argued as a benefit). Neither is a new, nicer eating vocabulary. What the hell is nicer eating vocabulary? I still think ice cream and ofada constitute great vocabulary. Bloody weirdos.
Yay! Well this week, I’m remaking the plantain porridge since the last one went a-flying in the air. Did I mention that here? Just when I was getting ready to savor it after I had saved it all week, I dropped the pan on my foot and it bounced upside down on the floor and I had no breakfast. I know, plantain porridge for breakfast. But you already know I don’t care for societal breakfast rules. If I find spaghetti squash, I’m going to figure out something to do with it.
All I can think about is dry roasted cashews. I’m almost irreparably addicted. It’s my comfort food, my stress food, my happy food, my pre-workout booster, my post-workout reward, the essence of my physical and mental well-being. Once I pop, I can’t stop. 1 necessary handful in my salad becomes 2 for dessert and 1 more just because. Banana and cashews. Salad and cashews. Eggs and cashews. Avocado and cashews. Chicken and cashews. Veggies and cashews. Cashew aperitif. Cashew digestif.
That’s how my week is going, other than being insanely busy at work and not having a lot of time for much else.
I don’t think I’m losing weight. If anything, my tummy feels bigger. I kinda can’t wait until this phase is done. I just need to be a normal person again. Besides the cashews, I’ve eaten good meals, and I’ve been incorporating veggies. I can’t wait for next week, though. First, I’m going to make a palm oil stew, which is technically not off plan, but the white rice I eat it with will be. I have sooo missed this. I envision it and I salivate. If I feel like going overboard, I’ll fry my plantains in palm oil too. Goodness! Deliciousness in my brain. Dear diet police, I feel deprived; leave me be. The weight isn’t coming off anyway, and I’m going nuts. Am I gaining weight? Am I losing weight? What can I do? What should I do? My nails are growing. My face is glowing. What does that mean? Where’s my tape measure? Are all these cashews really making me fat??!